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One fellow at a rest stop once said something extremely awful to me. Yet he quickly continued with one of the most sincere apologies I’ve once experienced. It happened at Hopwood Park services years ago. I was refueling at the pump. Clocking me, he tapped on the side window, and after I lowered the glass he stuck his head in and uttered a crude remark. Some might call it joking, I suppose, but it was nevertheless vile. My kids were in the back, all wide-eyed bafflement. Upset more than angry, I stepped out, refueled and went to pay, only to find him waiting by the car as I came back. He rested his hand on my upper back and stated, “I’m sorry mate. I wasn’t aware you had your kids in the car. I'm truly sorry about that.” It was something about the last four words which stood out, in some way contributing just the right amount of gravity.

Recent Research on Expressing Regret

It wasn’t a welcome reminder to have the event stirred this week when I came across a academic article, shared by the a psychological association, on how the length of the words you use when you say you’re sorry are important in communicating your genuineness. Apologies always intrigue me because, in my view, without remorse on one side and acceptance on the other, society suffers.

During my youth I had a instructor who talked about the idea of decay. He explained if leaves didn’t decompose, we’d be knee-deep in them. I share that view about apologies – if they’re not made and acknowledged, we might become swamped in unresolved issues. Accordingly, I’m one of those people whose frustration and letdown about something a person’s actions will usually vanish the moment an apology is offered. I don’t know whether this makes me a understanding soul, or somewhat shallow. Conversely, if I’m the one expressing regret, and the apology is refused, I get very angry and let down indeed, which isn’t really cricket either.

Longer Words and Honesty

The study, which examined composed rather than verbal sorries, concludes that people who use longer words in their apologies are tend to convey sincerity. Therefore, saying you’re “deeply” sorry is preferable than “very” sorry. Reportedly the “more energy required” needed in uttering those two extra syllables may produce a minor difference. Using this logic, the people of France are far advanced of us. They certainly put their backs into their regrets. Considering that the language of France for a simple “I regret” is something as expressive and somewhat elegant as “I am sorry”, you wonder where they go from there. What phrase is used if you feel exceeding just desolate about whatever you’re saying sorry for? A friend of mine in the French capital mentioned he’d go for “Please receive my heartfelt regrets”, that is, “I implore you to accept my heartfelt apologies”. Now that’s what I call a production effort. Very well, whatever, calm down, all is well, it’s fine.

Less is More

Be it in person or in writing, I believe less is more. Just “sorry” will work. “I am sorry”, if you must. And fine, if you’ve majorly offended me you can throw in a truly, a honestly, or even an deeply. But any more than that and I may wonder you have wronged me more badly than I realised.

It’s worth noting that, as with many academic papers, a lot of the language in which the paper is written is somewhat hard to grasp. As an instance, something called iconicity appears frequently. There are a large number of words explained in my lexicon, and iconicity doesn’t appear. But I pressed on anyway and hope I’ve grasped the essence the paper across accurately. Should I be mistaken, perhaps the lead researcher, cognitive psychologist at a university, a higher education body, could contact me so I can express regret to her at however elaborate she wishes.